Unrating The Gemme: What's In Yer Sausage Roll Edition?

Some Pastrie and Some Sausage Meat. Better Than Greggs. Like.

Tale Of The Tape

CELTIC…2



(Hair 49, MAF 50)


Jam Farts…0



CELTIC (4-4-2) Tubby; The Cad, Clubfoot, Hair (Rogne 62), Barrowfield (Davie 77); Aiden (Y), Captain Broon, Landry, Kris; Keano, MAFSubs not used: Cool Hand Luka, ZZ, Rasputin, The Unloved Catalan



HEARTS (4-5-1) Kello; Jonsson (Y), Kucharski, Zaliukas (Y), Wallace; Stevenson, Cunt MKI, Cunt MKII (Y); Mulrooney (Y) (Santana 73), Obua, Nade (Glen 73)Subs not used: Balogh, Witteveen, R Wallace, Balatoni, Smith

Stats Entertainment

Possession: 69% to 31% home win
On Target: 6 to 0 home win
Off Target: 6 to 0 home win
Corners: 5 to 5 draw
Fouls: 8 to 7 home win (gulp!)

So, we commit 8 fouls and only get one player booked (for kicking the ball away) and they get 4 players booked for 7 fouls. Shows commitment to ensuring the fouls wir decent while oors wir petty.

No shots oan goal, no shots off goal and little possession shows the height of the Jam Farts ambition.

Match Rating: 5

Like eating a home made sausage roll you know that it's grease and fat content will kill you but you continue anyway and end up enjoying it and eating three or four.

Sleeping Wie The Enemy

No chance oaf you going in fir a hair oaf the moose wie these ugly bunch oaf munters. A weekend being bummed by a bunch of Young Conservatives after you are drugged and force feed poppers sounds mair appealing than going to Gorgie week in week out.

Bottom six is aboot right.

Them Who Stare At Goats

Bernie Winters 3

Booked Aiden jist before HT. It was petulant. I'll let you make up yer ain mind who I am thinking oaf wie that statement.

No chance to influence the gemme and seemed to deal wie the Thugs In Maroon pretty well. Apart fae......see Tadger

The Bhoys A Bit Special

Aiden and The Solider Of Fortune share this at a season high of 7. Both saw the bar being raised and drunk it dry.

Tadger Of The Match

Easy. Ian Black is easily the most hideous man in the SPL behind Lee Elbows McCooluck. Dirty wee fucker who wis born to play fir the wee huns as he is not quite scummy enough to earn his stripes to earn a livin' in Govan.

He should have walked fir a petulant kick on Clubfoot towards the end oaf the gemme. Clubfoot should have stamped him intae next week.

Debutant Bhoy

Thomas Rogne: 3

He came he saw and wondered what the fuss was aboot. Harder tests to come.

The Others

Tubby: 3

It must have been as boring as that Everybody Hurts Haiti appeal song.

The Cad: 4

Hey, I've goat some new shoes oan and everything is coming oot fine.

Clubfoot: 5

You won't face a sedated rhino every week.

Hair: 5

You have learned to exit proceedings before yer standards slip.

Barrowfield: 5

Not bad fir a Tinchy Stryder look-a-like. Gangsta.

Captain Broon: 5

Snarl, boot, snarl, boot......repeat to fade.

Landry: 5

Fuck sake Broonie whir you goin'.....

Davie: 3

Got the Unloved Catalan's appearance bonus.

Keano: 6

Like an Leprechaun on a gram oaf Columbia's finest but finishing fae like Heather Mills on Ice Stakes.

The Manager: 5

Your threat that we may get better sounded like a forlorn hope rather than a confident boast.