Steve Conroy: Boyd, Miller and Whittaker v Hibs.

A dry, but cold, Sunday afternoon, in early February, on the once glorious Clydeside, was not the place for Steve Conroy and Chums to let those little things known as the Laws Of The Game get in the way of a Bankrupt saving league win for The Huns.

Kris Boyd told Hibs Merouane Zemmama to "shut it" after the Moroccan was left crumbled on the floor like an empty packet of Monster Munch after an elbow in the face from The Tarbolton Gerd Muller.

"It's a mans game" boasted Boydie and that he trotted out the excuse that he is "not that type of player" which is always used when an assault takes place.

Steve Conroy decided that this "obstruction" was worth a yellow card, meaning that Boydchenko will be available for the up-coming Glesga Derby, while hundreds of defence lawyers have been contacted by clients who are serving 2 to 3 years for lesser actions.

The BBC site describes the gemme changing award of the R*ngers penalty as "Miller went down under a challenge from Bamba", which flies in the face of their own camera evidence, which shows Miller going down before Bamba was near him.

The afternoon started with Steven Whitafucker scoring a goal then leaving the field of play to high five with some monkies that were out on day release under supervised attendance orders.

Conroy took pity and never booked the player for this as he was doing his bit for the community. Whitafucker was booked later in the game.

Just another day in the world of down right cheating or incompetence.  

Unrating The Gemme: The Wind Beneath My Wings Edition.

Tale Of The Tape

ABERDEEN (4-4-2) Langfield; Foster, Diamond, Mulgrew, Paterson (y); Paton (Ifil 90), Kerr, McDonald, Aluko (Fyvie 70); Big Cunty Baws, Mackie(y)

Subs not used: Nelson, Young, Duff, Grassi, Marshall



CELTIC (4-4-2) Tubby; The Cad, Clubfoot, Myth (yy), Barrowfield; Aiden (y), Captain Broonie, Landry (Davie 64), Kris; Keano (Fannyras 73), MAF (Rasputin 64)

Subs not used: Cool Hand Luka, Wilo, The Weasel, ZZ



Stats Entertainment



Possession 44% to 56% away win

On Target 6 to 15 away win

Off Target 2 to 3 away win

Corners 4 to 6 away win

Fouls 13 to 14 away.



I'm beginning to doubt the validity of these stats. Ashley Cole has come up wie mair believable excuses than these. It looks like we were once again unlucky. Those who watched it will disagree.



Match Rating: -5



Any gemme that is described as a great advert for the Scottish gemme, which involves us, is code for a great gemme fir everywan not oaf a Celtic mind to laugh at the feeble excuse of a performance fae us.



It was like holding doon the spacebar while looking at a map oan Google earth. Something quite queasy and sick aboot it.



Those Who Stare At Goats.



Ian Brines turned in a performance that got me thinking that he isn't biased and isn't worth thinking up ways to torture his wife, weans and pets but he is jist an incompetent buffoon wie all the tact and blinkered intelligence of a Gorilla on heat.



He was terrible again and his assistants take oan what is and what is not offside was obliviously influenced by the Book According To John Gilmour.



It Can't Be Paranoia highlights one of his many cracking decisions here.


Brines also failed to follow the letter of the law by not booking Big Cunty Baws after he left the park to celebrate his equaliser something that Celtic players, Rasputin and Fannyras, have been booked for recently.
Big Cunty Baws also removed his jersey. I'm sure there is a paragraph in the rules aboot that as well.



There is also the incident when Big Cunty Baws booted the ba' away in the last minute, which Brines who had booked the Glasgow Born Irishman fir the same offence decided to ignore.



Thir also seems to be an opinion of those who take drugs that We Used To Be Famous FC should have goat a penalty when Tubby and Big Cunty Baws collided in the box. Brines goat that wan right.



But...this man should really be getting his pea fae his whistle shoved right up his Erchie by Hugh Dallas.



Sleeping Wie The Enemy



Deserved mair than what they goat. Play fir set plays close enough to yer goal and allow Mulgrew to Hail Mary into the box. In Darren Mackie they have a player who is like a blind ferret chasing the scent of a dead budgie. He shouldnae annoy but has a tendency to knock over yer guid china.



The rest are made from the fabric of sweat and effort but are not guid enough to wear outside yer work.



Another team who some how found The Performance Of Thir Season against us. Then stumble into an embarrassing defeat.Heh.


The Bhoys A Bit Special.



Tubby at a high 8. Kept us in the gemme, didnae deserve to be oan the losing side and, I will regret saying this, maybe should start commanding his 6 yard box a bit mair at set plays. Yes, come fir every single ba'.



Tadger Of The Match.



Edson Barrowfield. In a season littered wie bombscare performances I feel his tops the lot. Well, Loovens and Big Micks first 20 mins in Vienna takes some topping but oor Edson decided to try and better it.



Worryingly I have been informed that he is prone to this type of gemme and wan such howler in a match fir Munich lead to him finding his way tae the East End in the first place.



At least we never hud the spectre of Danny Fox laughing at us fae MOTD this week.



The Others



The Cad: -5



Like those British Skiers that finished 55th and 74th in the cross country, it don't impress me much.



Clubfoot: -4



Phone Max Clifford. He seems decent at making money out oaf a bad situation. Don't strip oaf fir the NOTW though.



Myth: -5



Maybe you should contact Piers Morgan and ask him to do a searching interview it may provide some much needed public sympathy.



Aiden: 4



A booking, a goal and a right guid moan.



Captain Broonie: 3



Hope springs eternal at the fountain of youth. Think you have missed that boat.



Landry: 2



I'm sure the IPhone has an APP to re-find yer form.



Davie: 2



Unfortunately yer guilty by association.



Kamara: 3



Seemed slightly off colour like an ill fitting condom oan a eunuch.



Keano: 3



I think this chapter oaf yer career my be titled: 'Arry's Revenge'.



Fannyras: -2



Like Lady Ga Ga's cock yer jist something that shouldnae really be discussed.



Rasputin: 1



As useful as a tatchell satchel. Has a purpose but someday's it's jist useless.



The Manager: 0



The fact that thir is not a trace oaf a game plan fir the defence means that the clamour fir you to be belle of the dole is reaching fire up the BBQ level.



Yer looking increasingly like yer suffering fae Susan Boyle In An Airport Syndrome. I think thir is a place in Switzerland that could cure that.

It's A Sad Day When Mark McGhee Seems A Guid Option

"Don't Fancy Yours Much" 

You know that yer mind is playing tricks oan you when you start thinking that "So You Think You Can Dance" is great Saturday night entertainment and that Primark do a great range of cardigans that you could wear to yer work.

You scrape the bottom oaf the barrel though when you start thinking that thir might be something aboot Mark McGhee.

The most hated man in Scottish Fitba' has played a blinder in the last few weeks. After nicking a draw to the Mighty Kirkcaldy Rovers he used the tool of the written press to huv a go at the Famous In The 80's FC support accusing them of being over critical of his players.

The Famous In The 80's FC support took exception at this and are guaranteed to support such luminaries as Darren Mackie and the eye make up wearing cross dressing emo looking 16 year old Fraser Fyvie, wie such gusto that even if the support found thir wife being part of a prawn sandwich between, Zander Diamond and Charlie Mulgrew they wid forgive them and say: "Go on!"

McGhee has used this to develop a siege mentality in his group of averagely endowed players by asking them to prove that they are guid enough to play fir the once famous club.

He then added to that mentality by his throw away comment regarding the Inactive Scottish Cup. He knew that the press wid react in outrage at the very inkling that The Once Famous Club wid lay doon to those pesky kids fae the East and the Red Tops wrote his team-talk.

Mind gemmes of the highest order. It's an art oor manager disnny do.

I'm sitting here typing this wondering how Mark McGhee wid have reacted to the injustices we have faced this season.

I'm sitting thinking he is a manager going places and oors is like a one-legged duck going round in circles.

Despite awe this, The Once Famous Club never goat what they deserved.

They deserved to win. GIRUY! Yease didnae!

At 4-2 down wie 20 minutes to go they should have been mourning the loss of 3 points like a farmer mourning the passing of his prize Ewe. But..this Celtic team don't get what they deserve nevermind get whit they dinny deserve.

For us being in that situation means that it's two points lost to the most Burberry clad casual observer to us others that look at the whole 9 yards it's actually a point gained.

Oor lame duck manager said it wis inexplicable that we threw the gemme away. Those of us that pay attention say it was predictable as 15 points pished up against a wall fae winning positions this season is a testament to soaking trainers.

How did it come to this? Well..everybody in? And we will begin.

The Myth wandered in from playing Mario Kart in the treatment room wie Frodo to partner Clubfoot in the heart of a defence so weak that Donald Findlay widnae take oan it's case.

The bench again screamed that by some shot we have the best collection of players in the land, defence apart who are not the best set of defenders in the bottom half of the SPL, and that the question of why we are failing so badly now needs to be answered and acted upon by someone qualified.

The only reason we goat a point was due to Tubby in the goal. Weeks oaf inactivity seemed to have sharpened his Garfield Shaped Cat Instincts and in a second half, when the term hanging oan was a fair description oaf the fare, he produced a number of saves reminiscent of that goalie we had in 2006.

He also goat a hand to a penalty. Ok, he never saved it but it wis better than diving the wrong way. Top man!

The Cad has developed a style of a rabbit oan a B road being faced doon wie a Essex Tractor. His stock is diminishing quicker than my lucky underpant drawer.

In the middle fir diddle Clubfoot won the award oaf being oor best defender oan the day but that's no compliment when him and his partner in crime, The Myth, didnae win a heider awe day and they visibly wilted everytime any sort of loutish lob entered thir air space.

The Myth, jist returning fae injury played like a rickets ridden Victorian chimney sweep and his sending oaf wis the highlight oaf his day.

Edson Barrowfield has caught the curse oaf the left back. Had a massive, ahem, hand in 3 Sheepie scores and the moment he auditioned fir the La Lakers wis the gemme changing moment. Lee Naylor and Anton Rogan looked oan suitable impressed.

It wis a mixed day fir the widemen. Aiden was like a toddler running around oan Aberdeen beach dribbling around badly assembled sandcastles and his goal when he collected a short corner, enticed the defender wie his alluring smell of Musk Fir Men then dinked it by him and rocketed his first shot oan target in weeks past Lounging Langfield wis wan fir his scrapbook.

The following in Pharaoh, Kris Kamara hud goat the Hoops oaf to a perfect start after he slid hame fie a tight angle striking northwards. He faded, seemed bemused by the fact that he wis playing oan a beach.

Captain Broon and Landry were striped fir duty problem wis that no-one knows quite what that duty wis. Being courageous and competitive surely wir oan the list but uncreative and careless whir late editions tae it fae the opposing.

Captain Broon deserving a nod and a wink fir his feed the bear type stride in the lead up to oor second goal. Though, if he needs to see how to keep the ba', Davie came oan and wie 3 completed passes and more than doubled oor middle midfield men's completion rate fir the day. 

He also hit a Korean rocket that Lounging Langfield palmed away before continuing his knuckle shuffle while thinking aboot his performance.

The Unholy Trinty Of Failed EPL strikers scored. I would expect them to score maist weeks as if truth be told then are better than what they will face week in and week oot. It's jist unfortunate that they huv been bad in a previous life and thir strikes willnae save thir souls that oor back 4 serve up to the Devil on a weekly basis.

The Solider Of Fortune had a difficult afternoon. His goal wis a thing of beauty. A driving run fae Captain Caveman and a teasing pass, so teasing that it was akin to feeding a pony through a horsebag, fae Keano served him up wie an easy rap a tap tap at the back post.  

His other work failed to pass trading standards regulations.

The  Mis-Sitter Messiah kept his non-strike rate doon tae two shots that hit the goalie and he lended a shovel to another two of the holes we dug in the once famous clubs goals against column. He scored after The Cad rather uncivilised horsed a ball to the back post allowing Robbie to out jump a defender at the back post to send a loopy Lou into the net.

He will have better days and the hook he received jist afterwards fir Fannyras wisnny a reflection oan his contribution but because Fannyras could defend set plays better than a midget.

Yes, you did read that right. Fannyras brought oan due to his defensive abilities. Rasputin was brought oan, I think, to waste time.

We are a team that looks like Bette Midler. From a distance we look a sure bet up close we are fuckin' butt ugly and it's like watching Beaches oan repeat.

The chances to make this a race not a canter are running oot. The odds that Project ToMo will end up buried in a rubbish tip wie Johnnie 5 and Metal Mikey are getting shorter by the day.

Where do we go from here? No where near Mark McGhee I hope and it's safer at the moment to go doon the pub than think aboot it. The fat lady is not singing but that burd fae the Sally Army has goat her trumpet oot and is striking up a tune.

Paaaaarrrrrrrppppppp!

YIC.                                     

Video Lowlights: Aberdeen Horror Show.

The morning after the night before. These pictures still make grim viewing. But....we need to understand and we need to learn fae the mistakes. Just, that, we never do. Done up like kippers on and off the park.

Another day, another week hoping that this is the bottom. This is as bad as it gets. Really, can it get any worse? People speak in hushed tones, that are getting louder, that he has to go.

Is it really that catastrophic? Has it come to this?

I'm oan the fence and it's chaffing uncomfortable.

YIC 

Those Who Stare At Goats Season Review So Far...Food For The Paranoia

Taken from the Real Radio Phone site but I'm sure it was doing the rounds on Celtic Cybertimdom over the last couple of days.

For the propose of reference only I have decided to post it.

After last night’s controversial decision to rule out a perfectly good Motherwell goal for offside, Real Football Phone-In listener Keith sent us an email pointing out that this isn’t the first time that Rangers have benefited from an official’s decision this season.

What do you think? Get in touch below.

Message from Keith

Decisions that have went against Celtic have cost Celtic 9 points this season. Rangers have gained 6 points from dodgy decisions and have stayed in the Scottish Cup due to a dodgy decision. A potential 15 point swing based on poor refereeing decisions.

3 opposing SPL managers make admission to the poor decisions against Celtic and a ref admits to error.

8 stonewall penalties denied for Celtic and 4 valid goals chopped off.

Here are just some examples and quotes from media.

10 February 2010 - Motherwell 1 Rangers 1

Motherwell denied a goal which was 2 yards onside that would have put them 2-0 up. Linesman flagged incorrectly for offside.

Craig Brown was livid after seeing TV evidence showing goal was well onside, TV pundits Hendry and Butcher both agree goal should have stood. Ray Stubbs on ESPN said that point could make all the difference at end of season.

ONE point gained for Rangers

16 January 2010 - Celtic v Falkirk 3 major decisions go against Celtic

    
1. Hand ball by Falkirk defender - no penalty
    
2. Fortune pulled down in box - no penalty
    
3. Arthur handles ball 17 yards from goal 1 yard inside his box and a free kick is given to Falkirk 20 yards from goal. This could have given Falkirk the winning goal

Referee - Alan Muir

Mail on Sunday - 'Falkirk manager Eddie May said: "Overall, I thought it was a fair result. But I think they should have had a penalty."

Daily Mail - 'Alan Muir denied the Parkhead club a late penalty claim - when Brian McLean tangled with Fortune - in the 1-1 draw with Falkirk on Saturday. Hinkel was also unhappy about Celtic keeper Artur Boruc being penalised for apparently stepping out of his area late on. "It's not really my thing to say something about referees but, once again, we had some very strange decisions," said Hinkel. Not even just the penalty - look at the situation when Artur had a free-kick given against him.

TWO points dropped. Opposing manager admits Celtic should have had penalty.

10 January 2010 - Hamilton v Rangers

3-2 down and a very very doubtful penalty given to Rangers, Hamilton player lying on ground while trying to move his hand away hand ball penalty given.

Referee – Charlie Richmond

Scotsman - "They needed a touch of good fortune to equalise when referee Charlie Richmond rather harshly penalised Hamilton debutant Stuart Elliott for handball, awarding the spot-kick from which Kenny Miller converted."

A gift given to Rangers by ref to keep them in the Cup. It’s okay saying Richmond denied Miller a penalty in the replay but if it was not for the ludicrous decision in first game there would have been no replay.

3 January 2010 - Celtic v Rangers

2 shocking decisions cost Celtic the 3 points (regardless of the poor finishing) Fortune scores a goal - chopped off incorrectly.

Lafferty assaults Hinkel - a red card offence but only yellow given.

Referee - Steve Conroy

Scotsman - "Following the controversial decision by Conroy to disallow what looked like a perfectly good Fortune goal after 19 minutes. Moments later, Rangers striker Kyle Lafferty was perhaps fortunate only to be booked for a late challenge on Celtic right-back Andreas Hinkel."

TWO points dropped. ONE point gained for Rangers. 2 derbies in a row that multiple decisions go against Celtic.

12 December 2009 - Motherwell v Celtic

Celtic denied TWO stonewall penalties.

Samaras chopped in box in 1st half - No penalty.

Hand ball by Motherwell defender - No penalty.

Referee - Charlie Richmond

Celtic do get penalty but only after having 3 claims for a penalty, two of which were stonewallers.

Guardian - "Even if Celtic did have a legitimate claim for a penalty when Samaras was tripped by Reynolds. Another two poor decisions from referee Charlie Richmond denied them penalties after McGeady had equalised. When Celtic were finally awarded a penalty for Saunders's foul on Samaras, Robson gave the goalkeeper an easy save with a weak shot close to his left side."

8 November 2009 - Falkirk v Celtic

At 3-3 in last minute Celtic had a goal disallowed when TV showed it was ONSIDE.

Flag goes up for offside when Samaras clearly onside right through on goal.

Referee - Brian Winter

Daily Record - "Celtic fans yelped in frustration - and their mood would not have improved when television replays showed assistant Lawrence Kerrigan was wrong to flag for offside when Samaras was played in behind the Bairns defence in injury time."

His shot may have been blocked by Olejnik but it dropped to McDonald who poked the ball into the net only to see the flag fluttering along his line of vision. To be fair, Celtic players kept their protests to a minimum.

TWO points dropped

4 October 2009 - Rangers v Celtic

Celtic denied TWO stonewall penalties. Maloney booked for diving. Referee later apologises for getting one penalty decision rong.

Lafferty assaults Zhing Zhi and Weir recklessly follows through on McDonald. Neither booked.

Referee - Craig Thomson

STV website and various media - "Old Firm referee Craig Thomson has admitted he’s 'disappointed' at getting his decision wrong when he decided not to award Celtic a penalty in the 12th minute. Hugh Dallas said: 'Craig and I have had our post match de-brief. Whilst I would compliment Craig for his overall handling of yesterday's encounter, he is disappointed at his error of judgement when he decided against awarding a penalty to the visiting team in the 12th minute.'"

Motherwell manager Jim Gannon later said: "Right now there is a question mark over the standard of our refereeing, and it affects the SPL table. After the last Old Firm game Hugh Dallas had to defend the referee [Craig Thomson]. But the result of that match might have been different had the ref got the big decisions correct.

“At the end of the season Celtic could look back and say, ‘That result cost us the title.’ The fact is, if no one speaks up, then nothing will change.”

Assuming the worst Celtic would have gained a draw with 2 or 3 penalties being awarded.

ONE point dropped. TWO gained by Rangers.

26 September 2009 - Rangers v Aberdeen

McCulloch elbows Aberdeen player deliberately. No card and No TV evidence case by SPL.

Referee - Iain Brines

Daily Record - "Rangers midfielder Lee McCulloch, however, was fortunate not to pick up a red card from Brines for an elbow on McGuire."

Rangers would have been playing 45 mins with 10 men if Brines had done his job. Next match for Rangers was Old Firm game. McCulloch escapes ban which could have been a 3 match ban for violent conduct.

21 September 2009 - Celtic v Hearts

McGinn chopped in box. Stonewall penalty denied with 5 mins to go.

Referee - Dougie McDonald

Daily Record - "The Northern Irish international was brought down inside the box by Lee Wallace with five minutes to go of Sunday's SPL clash at Parkhead, only for referee Dougie McDonald to award a corner to the bemusement of everyone inside the stadium."

Belfast Telegraph - "Five minutes from the end of normal time, the Irishman was denied what looked a clear-cut penalty by referee Dougie McDonald when he appeared to be chopped down by Jambos' left-back Lee Wallace as he burst into the Hearts penalty area. "

Celtic scored in 93rd minute and got the 3 points.

13 September - 2009 - Celtic v Dundee Utd

Celtic had a Samaras goal incorrectly chopped off for offside. Also denied stonewall penalty when Dodds handled ball in last minute. Dodds admitted to hand ball. Levein said he was surprised he never caught it.

Referee - Steve Conroy.

Scotland on Sunday - "Levein left the field quietly at the end and there was probably a reason for that. His side appeared to come out the right side of two highly contentious calls in the second half; a Georgios Samaras "goal" chalked off and a Celtic penalty claim waved away by referee Steve Conroy. The "goal" was put away by Samaras just before the hour mark and only a couple of minutes after he came on for Landry N'Guemo."

Tony Mowbray, in his understated way, challenged us to look at the incident on video, the comment of a man who is convinced that Samaras' effort should have stood. Much later, a couple of minutes into injury time in fact, an Andreas Hinkel cross hit Darren Dodds on the arm and many a spot-kick has been given in such circumstances. Asked about it later, Levein offered a cheeky response: "I've spoken to Darren about it and he said he was really disappointed he never held it. Dodds said: "The ball hit my head and then hit my thumb." That's that, then. It should have been a penalty."

TWO points dropped.

30 August 2009 - Hibs v Celtic

McGeady sent off for diving 45 yards from goal after riding a few tackles after going on a run.

Referee - Dougie McDonald

24 August 2009 - Hearts v Rangers

Rangers heading for a draw, awarded penalty in last minute for tackle which looked soft and looked outside box.

Referee - Craig Thomson

Daily Mail - "The Tynecastle side thought the penalty was harsh, arguing that the foul by Ismael Bouzid on Steven Naismith was committed outside the penalty box, while Rangers considered Thomson unlucky to be red-carded."

TWO points gained for Rangers.

**Thank you to "Keith" who sent this e-mail**

Dougal Balls

Despite new evidence showin' that Linesman John Gilmour was correct to chop aff Motherwells, Ross Forbes, goal the other night against The Forces Of Evil (see above) former "top whistler" Stuart Dougal, as expected, has come out wie a spirited defence of the under fire lino.



The full laughable defence is below

John Gilmour was once left with badly bruised ribs after a run-in with Rangers and this time he will be nursing a thumping headache of regret.

If anyone has cause to feel ill will against Walter Smith's side it's Gilmour, as honest as they come and one of the best assistants in our game, but revenge has never been part of the vocabulary of our officials.

Kris Boyd cemented him in the Scottish Cup Final of 2008 as the striker raced for a ball on the touchline against Queen of the South and it took the official a fortnight to recover from being barged so heavily with 13 stones of solid muscle it left him doubled up in agony.

It was an accident, of course, as Boyd made a fair decision to go for the ball, only to end up causing a lot of pain.

In fact, that incident was much like the flag Gilmour hoisted in the air at Fir Park on Wednesday night that prevented Motherwell taking a 2-0 lead against the SPL leaders.

Let me cut to the chase. Gilmour got the decision wrong - you know it and I know it but he doesn't need anyone to tell him that, although there would've been no shortage of fans ready to do so yesterday.

But spare me the outcries, the conspiracy theories and the insidious nudge-nudge, wink-wink punditry that points the finger solely at the assistant for the gap at the top of the SPL not being seven points today.

Here's what I reckon happened early in the second half, with Motherwell a goal in front and their players already wheeling away to celebrate a second goal before Gilmour raised his flag.

In all likelihood Gilmour lost concentration at the vital moment as he saw the ball heading for the corner of the net off the shin of Stephen Craigan and considered his job done.

Suddenly, Ross Forbes appeared on the scene to bundle the ball over the line. The linesman didn't see him arrive - even the ESPN commentators claimed he came from nowhere - and the official suddenly had a decision to make.

To put it bluntly, Gilmour gambled that Forbes had come from an offside position - and he got it wrong. Take note all those who say I never admit to mistakes from officials.

As always, the assistant became the fall guy for Motherwell's failure to win but the Fir Park faithful - and other fans as well - should look closer to home for the culprits.

Firstly, Forbes showed stupidity and selfishness to knock the ball over the line when it was already on its way into the net.

Critics will fire back that's what good strikers do but the very best strikers are aware of everything going on around them and Forbes needlessly attempted to pick the pocket of his skipper by taking his goal.

It was a senseless thing to do because it immediately asked a question of an assistant that didn't need to be asked. Trust me on this, the assistant will be hurting about that decision for some time to come.

The critics have been out in force, alleging that decision cost Well three points, but that unwanted title must go to Mark Reynolds as it was his poor defending that allowed Boyd in near the end to snatch an equaliser.

If Gilmour cost Motherwell a 2-0 lead, defender Reynolds cost his side all three points by his failure to close down Boyd.

Now, I'm a fan of Craig Brown and his comments afterwards were measured and diplomatic as he voiced support of officials and conceded his players played a part in their own failure to win the game.

But I'm also a firm believer that actions speak louder than words and this was not the message Craig was giving out just 10 minutes earlier as he vented his spleen against the officials as they tried to get off the pitch.

Why wasn't Craig as vociferous in his public condemnation of Reynolds?

I have immense respect for Craig but if he really wants to point the finger he should have done it at individuals within his defence. Let's face it, if they had done their jobs they would have won 1-0. Instead, the only rebukes we have been reading about and hearing are against an official.

I know Hotline callers will only say it's Dougal trying to defend refs again but there needs to be a balance to the fierce criticism that seems to envelope our men in black, especially as the title heads towards another exciting climax.

I don't want to have a go at anyone for the sake of it but as an ex-official I get fed up with good, decent, former colleagues copping all the flak when some of the biggest mistakes in the game are made by players who don't receive half the public condemnation doled out to referees and assistants.

By the way, don't think my anger has anything to do with the fact I fancied a fixed odds double - Rangers and Motherwell to draw, along with Manchester United at Villa.

It duly came up but yours truly didn't have time to get to the bookies and stake his 10 bob. You could say Gilmour wasn't the only official left cursing a gambling decision this week.

 Unbelievable? Naw, expected.
**thank you to John H on KDS for the photoshop.**

Unrating The Gemme: What's In Yer Sausage Roll Edition?

Some Pastrie and Some Sausage Meat. Better Than Greggs. Like.

Tale Of The Tape

CELTIC…2



(Hair 49, MAF 50)


Jam Farts…0



CELTIC (4-4-2) Tubby; The Cad, Clubfoot, Hair (Rogne 62), Barrowfield (Davie 77); Aiden (Y), Captain Broon, Landry, Kris; Keano, MAFSubs not used: Cool Hand Luka, ZZ, Rasputin, The Unloved Catalan



HEARTS (4-5-1) Kello; Jonsson (Y), Kucharski, Zaliukas (Y), Wallace; Stevenson, Cunt MKI, Cunt MKII (Y); Mulrooney (Y) (Santana 73), Obua, Nade (Glen 73)Subs not used: Balogh, Witteveen, R Wallace, Balatoni, Smith

Stats Entertainment

Possession: 69% to 31% home win
On Target: 6 to 0 home win
Off Target: 6 to 0 home win
Corners: 5 to 5 draw
Fouls: 8 to 7 home win (gulp!)

So, we commit 8 fouls and only get one player booked (for kicking the ball away) and they get 4 players booked for 7 fouls. Shows commitment to ensuring the fouls wir decent while oors wir petty.

No shots oan goal, no shots off goal and little possession shows the height of the Jam Farts ambition.

Match Rating: 5

Like eating a home made sausage roll you know that it's grease and fat content will kill you but you continue anyway and end up enjoying it and eating three or four.

Sleeping Wie The Enemy

No chance oaf you going in fir a hair oaf the moose wie these ugly bunch oaf munters. A weekend being bummed by a bunch of Young Conservatives after you are drugged and force feed poppers sounds mair appealing than going to Gorgie week in week out.

Bottom six is aboot right.

Them Who Stare At Goats

Bernie Winters 3

Booked Aiden jist before HT. It was petulant. I'll let you make up yer ain mind who I am thinking oaf wie that statement.

No chance to influence the gemme and seemed to deal wie the Thugs In Maroon pretty well. Apart fae......see Tadger

The Bhoys A Bit Special

Aiden and The Solider Of Fortune share this at a season high of 7. Both saw the bar being raised and drunk it dry.

Tadger Of The Match

Easy. Ian Black is easily the most hideous man in the SPL behind Lee Elbows McCooluck. Dirty wee fucker who wis born to play fir the wee huns as he is not quite scummy enough to earn his stripes to earn a livin' in Govan.

He should have walked fir a petulant kick on Clubfoot towards the end oaf the gemme. Clubfoot should have stamped him intae next week.

Debutant Bhoy

Thomas Rogne: 3

He came he saw and wondered what the fuss was aboot. Harder tests to come.

The Others

Tubby: 3

It must have been as boring as that Everybody Hurts Haiti appeal song.

The Cad: 4

Hey, I've goat some new shoes oan and everything is coming oot fine.

Clubfoot: 5

You won't face a sedated rhino every week.

Hair: 5

You have learned to exit proceedings before yer standards slip.

Barrowfield: 5

Not bad fir a Tinchy Stryder look-a-like. Gangsta.

Captain Broon: 5

Snarl, boot, snarl, boot......repeat to fade.

Landry: 5

Fuck sake Broonie whir you goin'.....

Davie: 3

Got the Unloved Catalan's appearance bonus.

Keano: 6

Like an Leprechaun on a gram oaf Columbia's finest but finishing fae like Heather Mills on Ice Stakes.

The Manager: 5

Your threat that we may get better sounded like a forlorn hope rather than a confident boast.

It's Not Only Pastries That Are Bad For Hearts

They awe want a piece of the Keano Pie. The biggest thing to hit Fitba' Ecosse since BFDJ fell doon the Radio Snide stairs has been getting mair inches than yer average Page 3 burd in China Whites.

First up wis everyone favourite Irish Italian George Trap O'Toni mumbling and pointing that Keano won't win us the league own is oan and Kenny Misser stuck his neb in gushing like a love sick 14 year old dreaming over Carol Vorderman fiddling wie his conundrum over the merits of Boydchenko.

He wid be better discussing the merits oaf officials in tones that drip oaf admiration at thir open and blatant commitment to "The Cause."

Over at The Midden, the staring contest that was doubling as a gemme oaf fitba', linesman John Gilmour decided to rip up the rule book and start again when he adjudge the onside, by 3 yards. Ross Forbes to be offside.

At that point MIB Callum Murray contacted Brian (from now oan we will call him Bernie) Winters to say that the dark arts pass had been used and to abort any plans to use it. Not that Bernie wid have much chance to use it. He should huv sent oaf Ian Black fir a kick oan Clubfoot though.

So what wis the view fae the hill? The Dr Feelgood factor expected to fill the vast swathes of green plastic didnae amount tae a wimper wie around only 7,000 mair bothering to turn up to see the hame debut of the Mis-Sitter Messiah.

Rumours that this news caused a missed 5 ft putt fir par in the Sandy Beach resort are unconfirmed.

ToMo rumbled around in his bag oaf tricks and pulled oot starting berths fir Keano, McGeady and MAF wie Rasputin, Crosas and Fannyras wondering whit they did wrong.

They filled the seats oan the bench alongside ZZ, Ronge and Davie. The bench screams options, options, options.

The changes maybe lent tae a poor first half performance in which the midfield could have done wie a bit of finesse and mess fight but a sizzling second period saw us win comfortably and get what we huv been due against The Jam Farts anytime we have matched up wie them.

The Jam Farts whir the right side oaf terrible baith oan and oaf the park. I love seeing Auld Mutton chomps switching fae damage limitation tae total damage limitation wit maist oaf the second period to play. Thir fans sounded like a bunch oaf Gary Tank Commanders except less funny and intelligent.

Oaf course none oaf them could make a hame made sausage roll between them.

Talking oaf Sausage Rolls, Tubby in the goal had time to finish the Daily Star sports crossword as The Jam Farts never registered a shot in anger much like the Swiss.

Over on the right, The Cad continued to keep Handy Andy's slippers warm with a display that ticked the box competent as it improved in the second period but he didnae match the gallus showman ship oan the left.

Edson Barrowfield is the first ever Glasgow Celtic left back that I have seen attempt keepie uppies while trying to clear his lines. Ok, he lost the ba' but what made it even mair impressive is that he won the ba' back!

Smart tattoos, a gallus attitude and the bottle to take a thug like challenges like a maaaaan before hobbling oaf and dashing fir an ice pack as his ankle swelt to the size of a volleyball.

In saying that The Cad gave us The Comedy Moment Of The Night Award. As Barrowfield was limping oaf and Davie was coming oan, Davie told Landry that another spell as right back wis beckoning.

The sight oaf The Cad wandering to left back then changing his mind as he sprinted back to right back shouting at Landry he could play oan the left instead reminded me of Shaggy fae Scooby Doo not wanting to go into the graveyard to hunt fir ghosts and he sends delectable Daphine instead.

In the middle, Hair again confirmed his crash test dummy credentials. His goal contained a pirouette, a bit of skill and poor defending but, again, he limped oaf holding his hammie.

Has Frodo sneezed oan him or something? Like a car of a certain vintage he is now falling apart anytime he takes to the road. A trade in for a younger model maybe needed but he may not qualify fir the government scrap page scheme due to a faulty MOT certificate.

Is that younger model Clubfoot? Young Josh has sent some into raptures wie his performances but what's to impress when fir so long we huv been starved oaf a centre back that doesn't make glaring errors and not being spectacular is deemed as a Great White Hope?

The hungry will eat a Kraft Cheese slice on a mouldy loaf if that's awe that is oan offer.

Last night he wis faced wie Christen Nade who is a pitbull that keeps oan running into the patio doors until it's owner comes home and pits it oot it's misery by opening them. Not the maist intelligent test Clubfoot will have but he handled it in a sort oaf non-plussed way.

The other runner and rider is young Thomas Ronge. He wandered into the fray looking like Norwegian Royalty judging a gymkhana. His stride was as measured and choreographed as one of those horse he wis judging.

Oor defence on Saturday could contain a CB that runs like a show horse and another that runs like a carthorse.

The midfield engine contained two on heat Jack Russells who were determined to catch thir ain tale. Broonie and Landry struggled in the first period. Sometimes we will need to sacrifice a wide virgin like those pagans on religious Scottish Islands to add a bit of fitba' to the fuzzy energy that those two possess.

They won't pick the lock of a well guarded door they will brick the windaes and get them oot in the garden fir a square go. That 'quality' is needed at times but other times you need a bit mair savvy.

Davie fae the East End came oan and threw his Merton Parka oan the peg fir that role.

When the gemme upped pace in the second period it suited thir style. The Rhodders on Saturday will suit thir style.

Aiden oor Aiden. Booked aftir he stumbled fae Lee Wallace's pocket at half time but in the second period he resembled Indiana Jones ducking, weaving, dodging and jumping central American Indian spears as he set up The Soldier Of Fortune for a classily, cool and calculated finish.

He looked like he enjoyed himself in the 2nd period as took part in the mini gemme called: Set Up Robbie.

Another wan that wis taking part in that mini gemme wis Kris Kamara. As he broke up the field oan a lightening quick break he choose the correct pass to slip in Keano. That's right. Wan of oor forward thinking players played the correct pass.

Call the cops and Fannyras call a taxi. Whisper this. This freaky Mummy looking baldy could be the real deal. Mmmmm.

We huv and unholy trinity oaf front players that could hold thir water wieoot the aid oaf Pampers in the EPL. Creating chances wie those bodies is a given. It's the missing oaf the chances that's the worry.

The Mis-Sitter Messiah has spent the last few lonely evenings in his hole room reading the Harald Brattbakk Book Of Finishing and it's the new edition where Scott McDonald hus written the forward oan how to beat the offside trap.

He hit the side netting, hit the goalie, flicked by the post, hit the goalie (again), spun and hit the defender then spun and fired wan across the bar from 12 yards.

He then suffered the ultimate embarrassment that aftir the last miss Fannyras wandered over picked him up and telt him to keep his chinny chin chin up.

The cheek oaf the greek.

The Solider Of Fortune looks wie every passing week like oor main striker. Power, presence, panache and poolka that you get fir nearly 4 million bucks.

Sure, thir will be some gemmes that he will drift but coupled wie Keane this could be a partner ship that communicates on levels oaf ESP last thought oaf when Speilburg wis writing Close Encounters Of The Third Kind meaning that his quiet days could be profitable.

The gemme meandered to a close as the fans drifted and dreamed oaf Motherwell not blinking but they did. Wance we look like we will play every gemme like the 2nd half oaf this wan then we can hope and wonder what is happening elsewhere.

This 3 points will mean nuthin' if we drop points at The Rhodders oan Saturday. Tonight, was a jist maybe the start oaf the fightback oor a light at the end oaf the tunnel when we start chipping away at an embarrassing deficit.

More likely it's jist the 5.15 fae Carluke that hus been delayed due to points failure.

YIC.